When I heard my bro-shaman, Joe Rogan, repeatedly talk about the book Sapiens, I knew I had to order it on Amazon. I had it delivered that same day (cuz rich), and immediately became enthralled with the evolution of human beings….Well, at least for the first 58 pages.
Nonetheless, with the combination of those 58 pages and my near twenty-six years of human-being experience, I consider myself an expert on the topic and will speak on it as such.
From what we know, the earliest ancestors of human beings dates back nearly 2.5 million years. They were referred to as Australopithecus and originated in East Africa. I know this because it was one of the seven highlights I made in the book. But as I read on, it became clear that our knowledge of the past was very spotty. Even during times when written languages existed, there's still so much that we don't understand. What's true, who wrote it, are their other perspectives, etc.?
Eventually, I got thinking about how we'll be remembered 2000 years from now. Most of our information is out there on the internet, but what happens if something seismic occurs that makes it obsolete? What if another medium causes the world wide web to float off into obscurity? Wouldn't that result in the deletion of a significant portion of human life?
How are people of the future supposed to understand just how significant avocados were to our people? What will happen if they're unable to perform revisionist history on future presidents and dig up their racist tweets from when they were twelve? And what about the dogs? Will our ancestors understand the art of booping schnoz's?
The significance of it all hit me like a ton of bricks. All of a sudden, I realized just how bad it could get. If the internet's history is one day forgotten, then future breeds of human's may live on without ever understanding the species that have filled our IG feeds for years: The Instagramus Modellian (the scientific name for Instagram Models).
I knew what I had to do. For the sake of human history, I dug into the depths of IG model pages and hashtags. I risked developing massive erections while scrolling through bikini shot after bikini shot. Although the IG models were unlimited, the historical evidence of how they evolved into Instagramus Modellians was nowhere to be found.
I felt hopeless. I had my theory, but no evidence was present to prove my thoughts. I began to come to terms with the reality that I'd never make my mark on human history. In my fit of sadness, I started to scroll through my IG stories. Out of habit, I skipped through the first three people figuring it was nothing important. On my fourth swipe, though, I saw it.
This whole time it was so obvious. If I'm to research the Instagramus Modellian, then my first step should be visiting the page with the most recorded history of the species. That page was, of course, Dan Bilzerian.
For those of you who don't know, Dan Bilzerian is essentially the new-age Hugh Hefner. His IG consists of him doing rich people shit while being surrounded by an impossible number of smoke shows. Also, if you've never heard of Dan Bilzerian than I'm not even sure how you found FaHooNews.com. You should probably start with the surface of the internet before you stoop down this deep.
Anyway, after years of being an Internet God, Dan Bilzerian took the next natural step as a CBD mogul. The random hot chicks he hung out with were rebranded from simply IG models to Ignite (the name of his CBD company) models. He'll often post stories of him and his coworkers in the office. These stories tend to consist of pretty bland office tasks: Taking private jets to islands, watching his lineup of bikini models working out, tanning, laying in his bed, etc. It really wouldn't be much different if you followed around the average accountant for a day.
When I was scrolling through one of his recent stories, though, I noticed that a beautiful young lady was tagged. Her IG handle was @Hailey_Grice. At this point, I've lost 85% of the reading audience. I doubt they'll return from her IG page to read the rest of this, but I'll continue.
As fate would have it, I decided to click on her profile and admire some of her work. As expected, it was very professionally done; Many images coming from the professional photographers of Ignite. It didn't take too much scrolling before things started to turn from critically hot to really creepy. As uncomfortable as I felt, I knew I had to record my findings for human history sake. I present to you, the first known evidence showing the complete evolution of the Instagramus Modellian:
High School
At the very beginning, Hailey's profile looks like any normal high school student. Like many Instagramus Modellians, she comes from the cheerleader/dancer realm.
Honestly, I thought about stopping the article here. It all just felt too weird. Luckily for me, though, the horny comments from 45-year-old men made me feel like a lot less of a dirtbag.
First Set Bikini Shots
Hailey makes a business decision when she realizes what's pulling the likes. She found her angle and starts to run with it. Like some sort of concerned father, I've blurred out parts of the images, assuming she was underage at this point. Despite my good intentions, a picture that's blurred out like this feels infinitely worse than the original image. But here we are…
Choker Phase
Naturally, Hailey goes through the choker phase. At this point, I'm pretty sure she's 18. I mean, what 16-year-old wears a choker?
There were plenty more examples of the choker phase, but there's a limit to how many screen shots you can have on your computer before it's classified as stalking.
Drug Rug Phase
My suspicions that she's 18 are confirmed. The drug rug and psychedelic pants stage is in full swing. Anyone who's recently been to a college campus knows that every college girl has a drug rug somewhere in their apartment. Chances are you'll find it hanging above her bed or couch in the living room. It screams, "I'm adventurous."
Adidas Phase
Classic Adidas shoes are a staple in any sprouting IG model's wardrobe. Everyone in the sorority has a pair, and they're all wearing them for next weeks tailgate. I will say, I'm disappointed in the lack of a jean jacket.
BOOM: High School Grad
I fall into a complete panic. I'm just waiting for Chris Hansen to bust down my door. She hadn't even graduated high school yet?! I immediately run to the bathroom and wash my eyes out with soap. I question everything I know.
After I read a couple creepy comments to make myself feel better, I see a blue check mark congratulating Hailey on her graduation. From the small circular image, I could swear this was some sort of porn star.
Confirmed. Perhaps Playboy Live offers employee referral bonus' nowadays. I guess you have to respect the hustle.
Things Start To Get Serious
Now that she's DEFINITELY 18, things start to get more serious. More modeling shoots begin to get posted. God only knows if she's actually getting paid for them. Most likely, it's some random guy who owns a decent camera and see's this as an in with her. She even takes her first shoot in her Calvin Klein's. Everyone know you're not really an Instagram model until this exact moment.
Career Ignites
You get what I did there? Career Ignites?! Eh?! Pretty good, am I right? Anyway, overnight our little girl becomes a fucking STAR. Her bikini's are now branded with Dan Bilzerian's logo. God bless Dan's scouting team because they hopped on this one quick. She transitions from "Are we sure she's legal?" to "full-grown" REAL FAST.
Merry Titsmas
Then, for Christmas, the final stage of the evolution; The boob job. I felt like a disappointed father when I saw it, but I quickly got over it.
And so that's it: The first ever recorded evolution of an Instagramus Modellian. I know I said the internet might become obsolete, causing us to lose a massive amount of history. I also realize I posted this on the internet. The problem here is that I don't have a printer. So, if someone could do me a solid, print this off, and send it to the Smithsonian Museum, it would be greatly appreciated.
**Special thanks to our unknowing sponsor, Ignite CBD**